Monday, April 5, 2010

When spontaneity got to be stopped - I

 The previous post might have seemed like one of a self-obsessive nature. Yet, it was mainly to stress to my own self, on how much I valued my thoughts and how much more I valued doing justice to them through writing. Yet these days, I am far from doing that. Everytime I am writing something, I m being stopped by thoughts of having to 'cater' to the needs of popular entertainment. "Is this being framed in an interesting manner?", "Will readers find this topic boring?", "Will it portray a picture of me being too weird/kiddish/over-mature etc.?" - all these running across my mind makes it impossible for me to be myself on paper. I always take the pen in hand with the thought at the back of my mind that some people are reading it. I feel bonded and the pressure is suffocating. True, it is not as though am an acclaimed writer with a huge fan base. Yet, the number does not matter. Whether, its 3 or 3000, the very fact that the material will be evaluated seems to shift my focus from what it originally intended to do. It is no more a matter of expressing... but one of performing. I am constantly stopping and checking and rechecking the lines and editing the thoughts. When one is sewing a garment for the joy of it, it is a meditative process. Yet, when one is doing the same for 'selling' it, one has to analyze the factors that would make it sell and modify or stifle certain personal tastes in order to align it with the mass taste. 

You could always ask "Why are you bothered? Why do you want it to be appreciated? Just be yourself and write as though no one is reading". Well, all I can say is, easier said than done. To dance like no one is watching is not the simplest thing in the world. Self-consciousness is an innate trait and not an easy thing to shrug off. You love to dance and you dance to your heart's content in your room, swinging your hands and legs in the wildest manner. You know it is not a very pleasant sight, yet you dont care. Will you be able to do the same thing the minute two people enter the room? "Just dont care... keep dancing. Be yourself", I could advise. Yet heaven knows that is tough. Some (let us say 40%) are indeed very comfortable dancing in public, enjoying themselves in parties and other social gatherings. Yet, that could be because they are usually not the sole ones dancing. There is usually a 'group'. Of these, yes, there are a few (20%), who even love to perform solo. Probably certain people are predisposed to enjoy attention and also confidently grab any chance to command it. Again, in most of these instances, it is in front of an audience waiting to be entertained. How many in these 20% will retain the same confidence and enjoyment in the dance if they know they are going to be evaluated, commented on, debated with on the aesthetics of dance movements after the performance? Hardly few. In short, among all these, the dance you did in the sole confines of your room to your heart's content would be the most 'original' expression of your energy. It liberates you. The dance performed in a competition before a panel might be beautiful, yet, you seldon feel the pure happiness after it. There is a certain tension that would have built up. The ones who indeed feel real joy after a stage performance are usually the professional dancers who have been trained in the defined rules of the art and hence the confidence. Yet, personalized dancing or writing does not have any set standards like that of trained dance or a sport. Hence there is always a certain anxiety.


mr.weirdo!! said...

lets stick to writing as i dont dance at all :) we have all become puppets in the hands of our own -asking ourself to do this and not do that so that others will appreciate us. we are all society minded - or at least that is how i am. its no longer correcting for the betterment : it is now correcting for better pleasedness. but in defence of this uniformity or whatever that is expected i think as we communicate in a way which has few basic concrete lines we should adhere to them to a good amount. But the beauty and the so called success and cult status arrives only if we break the rules and express what we envisaged in the way others would understand. if we where to write for ourself then we can have a diary or rather have hints. But being a person who always wants his self to come out in what ever i write i ponder over the poems and the classic literatures. They seem very personal and very unorthodox and more importantly writin for their selfs. yet even after aeons we break our heads into think what was their thought and deem at cracking the code and proclaiming we have succeeded. that is how every artist should be treated. now its only about communicated - but it should be more of wanting to be understood from the reader's point of view. the authors/aritist now are servants of the consumer but it should be otherwise. but to reach to that level you have to please the people in investing time in you. oh mu god am goin on and on here :)

abhster said...

Your theory runs parallel to cooking and cuisine too . You can take this for an example :- If I happen to cook up something for dinner and nobody likes it and people refuse to eat it , I'll still eat the " something " 'cause its my work , and my time that was spent in its creation or formation . Your thought of " what people might think " is precisely a problem that many writers face. When they get these thoughts , the completely change their writing and hence , they lose the readers they had . Right now , there are 17followers out of which about 6-7 open your blog page regularly and there are 5 who check about once a week , and then there are people who check when it takes there fancy , but the point is , the reason people have taken to your writing is because they've found your style of writing interesting . You've got Amudhan , you've got Mr.Wierdo , you've Scarface , and you've got Chibi. These are perhaps your most loyal readers who read and comment on your posts quite often. There are other people too , but they havent commented yet . These people love you for who you are 'cause they think your writing is better than what you'd find by most people of your age . Chibi , and Amu have always been there with you and your blogspot from the start . They've commented quite often too . And besides , you've already got 39 posts . A reader wouldnt stick to 39 posts of your writing if he didnt like it. I agree to the fact that " being yourself " isnt that easy to apply , but when it comes to writing , it must stay that way . Even if you change your writing style , Amudhan who seems senior and experienced will always be there to swoop in and tell you whats good and whats bad . Like you said , the guy is bit " to-the-point " yet never rude( which is something I like about him ) and he usually comments when he wants to tell you something . All I want to say is you dont need to worry about what people might think about your writing 'cause this is pretty much everything we have to say about your writing in general .Your " spontaneity " is something that must NOT be stopped 'cause its what makes your writing the best ,

Verdict ( though an invaluable one ) : " Kudos . Your philosophies writing rules :D"