The previous post might have seemed like one of a self-obsessive nature. Yet, it was mainly to stress to my own self, on how much I valued my thoughts and how much more I valued doing justice to them through writing. Yet these days, I am far from doing that. Everytime I am writing something, I m being stopped by thoughts of having to 'cater' to the needs of popular entertainment. "Is this being framed in an interesting manner?", "Will readers find this topic boring?", "Will it portray a picture of me being too weird/kiddish/over-mature etc.?" - all these running across my mind makes it impossible for me to be myself on paper. I always take the pen in hand with the thought at the back of my mind that some people are reading it. I feel bonded and the pressure is suffocating. True, it is not as though am an acclaimed writer with a huge fan base. Yet, the number does not matter. Whether, its 3 or 3000, the very fact that the material will be evaluated seems to shift my focus from what it originally intended to do. It is no more a matter of expressing... but one of performing. I am constantly stopping and checking and rechecking the lines and editing the thoughts. When one is sewing a garment for the joy of it, it is a meditative process. Yet, when one is doing the same for 'selling' it, one has to analyze the factors that would make it sell and modify or stifle certain personal tastes in order to align it with the mass taste.
You could always ask "Why are you bothered? Why do you want it to be appreciated? Just be yourself and write as though no one is reading". Well, all I can say is, easier said than done. To dance like no one is watching is not the simplest thing in the world. Self-consciousness is an innate trait and not an easy thing to shrug off. You love to dance and you dance to your heart's content in your room, swinging your hands and legs in the wildest manner. You know it is not a very pleasant sight, yet you dont care. Will you be able to do the same thing the minute two people enter the room? "Just dont care... keep dancing. Be yourself", I could advise. Yet heaven knows that is tough. Some (let us say 40%) are indeed very comfortable dancing in public, enjoying themselves in parties and other social gatherings. Yet, that could be because they are usually not the sole ones dancing. There is usually a 'group'. Of these, yes, there are a few (20%), who even love to perform solo. Probably certain people are predisposed to enjoy attention and also confidently grab any chance to command it. Again, in most of these instances, it is in front of an audience waiting to be entertained. How many in these 20% will retain the same confidence and enjoyment in the dance if they know they are going to be evaluated, commented on, debated with on the aesthetics of dance movements after the performance? Hardly few. In short, among all these, the dance you did in the sole confines of your room to your heart's content would be the most 'original' expression of your energy. It liberates you. The dance performed in a competition before a panel might be beautiful, yet, you seldon feel the pure happiness after it. There is a certain tension that would have built up. The ones who indeed feel real joy after a stage performance are usually the professional dancers who have been trained in the defined rules of the art and hence the confidence. Yet, personalized dancing or writing does not have any set standards like that of trained dance or a sport. Hence there is always a certain anxiety.