Saturday, September 24, 2011

A Page from HER Diary

Dear Diary,

I thought I had grown up - well, at least quite a bit - become all deep and mature and wise and all that.

Well, apparently looks like I haven't.

I still impulsively have to 'check myself out' in any reflectory surface that I come across.
I still, back of the mind, base my confidence on the thought that people think me attractive.
I still somehow think everyone is looking at my direction and noticing me whenever I am wearing a nice dress.
On FB, the profile of a girl who looks better is instinctively checked out while one who does not is ignored.
If another woman has achieved, I subconsciously take solace that at least, I look better than her.
If another woman looks better, I see that she likes lame movies and comfort myself that she is dumb.
Or that she has never read any books and must be silly.
Or that she is placed in some software firm and hence has to be the 'run-on-the-mill' type.
If she is beautiful and smart and successful, well, I log out.
Compliments on how good I look that day energize me.
I can ,within minutes, calculate my 'worth' in a crowd. If everyone else is dressed and looking better, well, I keep to myself.
Or tell myself that they are all under a mountain of makeup. I am a natural.
I then complain of the state of affairs the world has come to. Of how beauty can be bought these days.
Secretly, perhaps I am just envious.
With straightened hair and a 2k facial, Sandra looks amazing.
Not fair, I protest. I always looked better, by nature. If only I could afford all that, I would be Miss World. Hmph.
Illness is celebrated, if it brings weight loss.

Some days, I miraculously seem to be looking extra good. Too many gazes come my way. I am elated. I flash my thousand watt smile even to strangers.
Then, that night, I dream of a career as an actress. Or a TV host.
A good dress can boost self-esteem.A bad hair day, totally ruins it.
My mind will always be an automated calorie calculator.
I love reading about actresses. Their diet. Their lives. Their relationships.
Then I tell myself that with such expert beauty assistance, anyone would look that good.
A pretty girl is always judged as smarter, more talented and perhaps a bit haughty.
A walk around the mall is a silent battle of gazes and 'evaluations'.
I crave to upload my best, lean-looking pictures immediately on FB
I un-tag myself from the bad ones.
I impulsively pull out those extra strands of hair to give a chic look before a meeting.
I dread meeting old friends on the event of recently gained weight.

Well, looks like I definitely haven't become all wise and mature and deep at all.For that matter, wonder if many other women - and men - can really claim not to relate with any of these. Perhaps, it is not really possible to break free - especially with such 'good-looking' advertisements constantly bombarding beauty with a better life. And in a beauty obsessed culture like this, I need to stay ahead.Isn't it?  Corporate interviews are stressing on 'smart' dressing (READ as be a trendy chic to attract clients). Grooms want a 'fair' bride; Heck, even the shop keeper allows the gorgeous lady to break the line.

And yet, I am expected to be humble and modest at the same time. Focusing on looks is considered to be 'shallow' and 'girly'...girly? when it was some idiot boy who sent an sms of 'top ten babes of the college' to the entire batch. If I say I am on a diet, they laugh and smirk while they were the ones who hooted 'elephant, elephant' when I walked by.

The conflict and irony is maddening.

But I shall try.

Yours Sincerely,
A Confused Woman.


karthick r said...

//On FB, the profile of a girl who looks better is instinctively checked out while one who does not is ignored.
Yaay! I do that too. But for very different reasons ;-)

I'm not trying to freak you out here but here's a story for you which happened a few hours ago.

I met a friend of mine after a very long time[3 years to be precise] but I am aware of the things that he's doing both professionally as well as personally. Thanks to LinkedIn and FB resp'ly.
I have always wondered how come the LAMEST posts of his gets 50+ likes on a consistent basis. While we were doing our catching up business, he kept getting calls minute after minute. Needless to say that it was a girl on the other end. Also, his 'No ma! Came out with my friend to buy some lights da. I will call you after reaching home' dialogues dint help. Unable to resist the temptation, I asked him how many numbers he has with him as of now. He said he is in touch with close to 15 girls.

That's him. And me - I have spoken to 2 girls[non-work related, total strangers] in the past 2+ years and on both occasions i started my conversation with a 'Oh! You look so familiar but I'm having a hard time placing you. Have we met before?' High time I change that pick-up line.

I comforted myself by saying that we are totally different persons and his needs are very different from mine but it would be a blatant lie if I say that this incident din't bother me.

Coming back to you - chill and have fun ;-)

~ Cheers..!

Srinidhi said...

Its too thin or too fat. No boobs. Too big boobs. Skinny. Fat. Like we cant be happy in our skins. I am not saying I am, I worry constantly if I look nice enough or not.

I tend to under-dress cause when people compliment me, I think they lie :P

Its a must read post. :) Just to show how maybe we can change and break the vicious cycle of must be body image :)

CHIBI said...

The toughest question for a guy to answer is when a girl asks "Do i look fat".. it's really hard to convince with any answer, even if the girl is super slim.

after reading your post i can guess why it's so hard to be convinced.. :)

Abhishek said...

you know , wisdom doesn't always have to come with age ! it can come from experience . It can also come from people :) .

And as for the things people do when left to their own devices ...... well ..... it doesnt count .

Its not about the wisdom you have . its about how you use it. And my guess : you've been doin okay =)

Anonymous said...

I guess that guys and girls obsess about different aspects of themselves. Maybe guys obsess more about "macho" image or "power" (how well they've done for themselves).

Anyway it's OK to be ourselves, as long as we enjoy ourselves. :) You must've read, "What's your brand of delusion".

But why this sudden introspection and confusion?


Anonymous said...

Sindu - An after-thought, Maturity is realizing, it's OK to be what I am. *Pats me-self on my back* :D


Sindu said...

Firstly, really sorry that I couldn't reply on time. I was traveling for the past few days and it was difficult getting some quality time to react to every one of the thought provoking comments. :)

Sindu said...

@karthick : I couldn't place how this incident related to the post but it was indeed interesting! :) Also, if we see it in the 'to-each-one-his-own-complexes' light, yeah, I see the point.
Dwelling further on your incident, I think it is not that his needs are different from yours. I would perhaps re-modify it saying, he gives certain needs more priority than you do!

@Srinidhi: Thanks for the link. :) And yes, thanks for the honesty. I tend to under-dress too. I thought I perhaps did not like attention.. maybe somewhere 'deep within', I think I don't deserve it. :)

@CHIBI: Ha ha. Welcome to Venus! :)

@Abhishek: I believe that everyone is born with an innate potential for wisdom. The same experiences and people might make one really wise and have no effect on another. And also, if wisdom is present, it always finds a way to be used. Else, it isn't called wisdom.
I am doing okay? Yeah... just about okay.. umm, well, a bit better than that. :)

@V: What is being ourselves? A man high on cocaine craves more cocaine. A man whose body is totally detoxified loathes cocaine. Both of them are listening to their body. Yet, one is right and one is self-destructive. It is very hard to distinguish the healthy tendencies from the disturbed ones. So, one can never be too 'okay'. That too, keeping enjoyment as a yardstick? Never! :) Just my view.

Anonymous said...

Not related to this post at all. I thought I should share this post.
Some of Kookaburra's posts affect me at a subliminal level.

karthick r said...

Oh my..!
//If another woman has achieved, I subconsciously take solace that at least, I look better than her
I meant, we all need just a[any] reason to feel good. However silly they may be. In my case, it was the difference in priorities. Makes sense eh.? *rolls eyes*

Uuf! forget about it.

~ cheers..!

Sindu said...

@V: :) Affects you at a subliminal level? Wow. That statement of yours just made me perceive that post with so much more respect and appreciation than I otherwise would have. Interesting.

@Karthick: Heheh...gotcha! :)

Ajay Nair said...

hmm..well..I am not to comment here..I am just a learner...and I read as much as I can...however a good one indeed... :)

Sindu said...

@Ajay: Thanks Ajay. All of us are just learners here... feel free to voice out your thoughts. :)

Arumugam said...

Ouch! Painfully honest:-) The ouch was because some of those lines could have as well been in my dairy too..

Great blog:D