For a long while, I quite didn't understand.
I had taken me so long to realize my condition.
I looked around. Trees, buildings, fading sunlight, empty roads – scenes that I had passed by every day and not given as much as a second thought to. Yet, it was suddenly compelling to see them all in a new light. What if I had been here before – way before my memory started conceiving time? What if I shared a relation with this space, with this world, in a manner beyond imagination?
Memory was the last thing I wanted to trust at the moment though. Its limitations were becoming more and more striking by the day. And to think that my entire life until this point had relied so much on it?
However, the gaps that it had so marvelously concealed were slowly coming back. Splitting headaches and brief delusions apart, it was my beginning at understanding the origins of a journey I had long forgotten about. A lost prelude to the book of my life, perhaps everyone else's too. And it always began with that conversation; a calming light and a powerful voice.
“An agenda exists”
"Umm..some would call it the itenary of the journey. Others might think it to be more of a lesson plan"
"I don't understand"
“Think of it this way - I am sending you to a grocery store. It is no purposeless random trip. You have your own customized list of things to buy there. Your trip gets over only after you have finished buying every single item on that list. You can't come back before that."
"Excepting obviously, these are not grocery things to be bought. It is a check list of lessons, realizations and snippets of wisdom to be acquired. Also, there is another tricky part"
"Great! What is that?"
"You don't know your list. You can't see your list. You can only figure out your lessons as you get around and get moving."
“And how do I know where to find them?”
"They will be all around you – the plan will take you to places that has them, people who will show them. Remember - you cannot escape your list. What is to be learnt will be learnt inevitably. Sometimes, certain drastic incidents hardwire them into you strongly - like say, a sudden debilitating illness or bankruptcy. Other times, they just peep up as subtle hints. You might choose to ignore them and go about your own comfort zone but slowly a pattern of incidents keeps repeating itself over and over till you will find it impossible not to change because it gets tougher to progress further without that change in you. Eventually you WILL recognize it, learn it and then sheepishly wonder why you hadn't done it before.”
“Why can’t you just make it simpler and get us to learn it the very first time?”
The splitting headache again. I tried to remember more but I knew it would be futile. Suddenly, I heard laughter and voices. I looked around. It was a group of students merrily walking by. How much of their check list had they completed? Did they know about the whole plan and agenda of this journey that they seemed to have taken for granted just like I did? Should I tell them? Will they believe me?
I smiled to myself at the seeming hopelessness of it all. The funniest part of the situation was not that I was reeling under an amnesia but that everyone around too were. Perhaps it was better to have been a complete one than to have had partial memories coming back.
I walked on, trying to introspect if there was any lesson that I was avoiding or refusing to learn or confront. I walked on, as the shadows of the night rose behind me.
"We have all come here to learn. And learn, we will – because that’s how the whole thing was designed to be anyway"
P.S: Thank you all so much for the support and positive word on the last post. And if you are wondering if a brief two week stint was what it was all about, no. It has been a great year so far and I have been able to accomplish a lot of positive changes in myself - changes that were hoped for years. And staying away from the blog did help in its part though the connection is hard to explain. The process is still on and I am looking forward to more of it. I got to make hay while the sun shines and given the fact that I have only 4 months left before entering into the job market for good, every day is worth it.
This post - well, pretty much sums up a huge chunk of my life's philosophy. No big shit - all of us have our philosophies. I had a strong impulse to publish it. Hard to reason why - perhaps someone somewhere needed to see it and gain some perspective. No one knows. I feel I did my part. Hope you are all doing good. I will be back - with a new me and perhaps a new blog someday! :) But do not blame me if something crops up here once a while. I am no hard fan of puritanism.