Thursday, January 19, 2012

The Amnesia


For a long while, I quite didn't understand.

I had taken me so long to realize my condition.

I looked around. Trees, buildings, fading sunlight, empty roads –  scenes that I had passed by every day and not given as much as a second thought to. Yet, it was suddenly compelling to see them all in a new light. What if I had been here before – way before my memory started conceiving time? What if I shared a relation with this space, with this world, in a manner beyond imagination?

Memory was the last thing I wanted to trust at the moment though.  Its limitations were becoming more and more striking by the day. And to think that my entire life until this point had relied so much on it? 

However, the gaps that it had so marvelously concealed were slowly coming back. Splitting headaches and  brief delusions apart, it was my beginning at understanding the origins of a journey I had long forgotten about. A lost prelude to the book of my life, perhaps everyone else's too. And it  always began with that conversation; a calming light and a powerful voice.

“An agenda exists”

“What agenda?”

"Umm..some would call it the itenary of the journey. Others might think it to be more of a lesson plan"

"I don't understand"

Think of it this way - I am sending you to a grocery store. It is no purposeless random trip. You have your own customized list of things to buy there. Your trip gets over only after you have finished buying every single item on that list. You can't come back before that."

"Hmmm"

"Excepting obviously, these are not grocery things to be bought. It is a check list of lessons, realizations and snippets of wisdom to be acquired. Also, there is another tricky part"

"Great! What is that?"

"You don't know your list. You can't see your list. You can only figure out your lessons as you get around and get moving."

“And how do I know where to find them?”

"They will be all around you – the plan will take you to places that has them, people who will show them. Remember - you cannot escape your list. What is to be learnt will be learnt inevitably. Sometimes, certain drastic incidents hardwire them into you strongly - like say, a sudden debilitating illness or bankruptcy. Other times, they just peep up as subtle hints. You might choose to ignore them and go about your own comfort zone but slowly a pattern of incidents keeps repeating itself over and over till you will find it impossible not to change because it gets tougher to progress further without that change in you. Eventually you WILL recognize it, learn it and then sheepishly wonder why you hadn't done it before.

“Why can’t you just make it simpler and get us to learn it the very first time?”


The splitting headache again. I tried to remember more but I knew it would be futile. Suddenly, I heard laughter and voices. I looked around. It was a group of students merrily walking by. How much of their check list had they completed? Did they know about the whole plan and agenda of this journey that they seemed to have taken for granted just like I did? Should I tell them? Will they believe me?

I smiled to myself at the seeming hopelessness of it all. The funniest part of the situation was not that I was reeling under an amnesia but that everyone around too were. Perhaps it was better to have been a complete one than to have had partial memories coming back. 

I walked on, trying to introspect if there was any lesson that I was avoiding or refusing to learn or confront. I walked on, as the shadows of the night rose behind me. 

"We have all come here to learn. And learn, we will – because that’s how the whole thing was designed to be anyway"

P.S: Thank you all so much for the support and positive word on the last post. And if you are wondering if a brief two week stint was what it was all about, no. It has been a great year so far and I have been able to accomplish a lot of positive changes in myself - changes that were hoped for years. And staying away from the blog did help in its part though the connection is hard to explain. The process is still on and I am looking forward to more of it. I got to make hay while the sun shines and given the fact that I have only 4 months left before entering into the job market for good, every day is worth it.

This post - well, pretty much sums up a huge chunk of my life's philosophy. No big shit - all of us have our philosophies. I had a strong impulse to publish it. Hard to reason why - perhaps someone somewhere needed to see it and gain some perspective. No one knows. I feel I did my part. Hope you are all doing good. I will be back - with a new me and perhaps a new blog someday! :) But do not blame me if something crops up here once a while. I am no hard fan of puritanism. 

13 comments:

CHIBI said...

Firstly.. Welcome back.. a brief hiatus has produced an excellent comeback post..!

secondly, loved your grocery store analogy for that mysterious path of life.. destiny or fate, whatever it's called.

thirdly (wonder if anyone ever used a 'thirdly') an ideal grocery list makes shopping efficient, but we always miss something. Not only that, we tend to fill the cart with a lot of unwanted stuff that's not in the list and later worry abt it..

i guess we do the same with life too.! we never have an ideal list or have a lot of unwanted stuff that we did, do or will do... :P

C.V.Varun said...

Your old guests took the liberty to sit in your house and wait for you! We welcome you back!

C.V.Varun said...

And the way you look at life is just one perspective, there are so many perspectives to this one! You should try Ramana Maharishi's 'Naan Yaar?'! Perhaps you would like it. Perhaps you won't, but that will be an all new perspective.

C.V.Varun said...

And the way you look at life is just one perspective, there are so many perspectives to this one! You should try Ramana Maharishi's 'Naan Yaar?'! Perhaps you would like it. Perhaps you won't, but that will be an all new perspective.

Indumathy Sukanya said...

Yo back n blogging again...!
Has it been that long? O.o

Sinduja said...

@Indu: Haha..looks like you didn't want me to be back ;P Kidding.. I am not back.. I really felt like shutting it down that day - felt it so strong. And yesterday, I really felt like putting this post out - felt it so strong. I am a woman of impulses and knowing you from your blog, I am guessing you will understand :)

But no, I am not really back. I still plan to do as much as I can to not publish anything, especially since it did give some peace of mind for the short while.

Sinduja said...

@Varun: Ramana's Naan Yaar? Hmmm...do you think I am going to take it Varun? :) I am planning to right now, take a lot of Tinkle Comics, I mean it.

Sinduja said...

@Chibi: Thats exactly my point - that we DO have a list of things destined to be ours for this birth - I know it sounds too theological but I am a strong believer of determinism.

CHIBI said...

@sindu: i completely agree with your point of view..! that list of life is definitely checked off with all the things we need to learn or acquire by our life, with some other unwanted things, which sort of help in other ways to achieve it eventually.

on a separate note : you read TINKLE comics. i too read it when i find one.. it's the best un'ADULT'erated comics out there.. which tells so many moral stories,that we need to know as adults ! :P

Anonymous said...

Fantastic post Sindu. I surrender unto your feet.

PS: Good to know that you are no fan of puritanism.

You are still discovering your list and learning. So to post / not post is part of your learning.
:)

-V

Sinduja said...

@V : Ah V...V V V... why do you do this? :) Anyways, thnx.. glad you liked it!

Anonymous said...

I don't know if you might've realized at the time of writing but this has to be the most insightful post i've come across in a long time!

N clearly, my next trip to the grocery store isn't going to be as ordinary anymore :)

Sinduja said...

@Anonymous: Wow...really? :) You just made my day! Thnk you so much!