Thursday, January 26, 2012

And then, they leave. I watch, helpless.

Sometimes I am grasped by a lot of pain - guess its my way of realizing that I have and will always be a misfit to the normal ways of human functioning.

It is my way of realizing that forming relationships and more so, sustaining them with the same tempo will always be an Utopian challenge for me.

It is my way of realizing that few people will ever see love the way I do or even be tolerant of it. I stand alone in a world of wonderful people - people who loved, trusted, believed and depended on me. I have betrayed them, cheated them and more so in the process, betrayed and cheated myself and my needs for affiliation.

Knowing that your action will make you lose someone who gives unconditional love to you and yet, doing it because you have no choice otherwise is real suicide - the real loss of a gift called life.

The culprit? An extreme compulsive need for space.

I hope there comes about a world where human beings can innately and accurately understand love that transcends time, space and expression; where I can tell someone "Listen there might be days at a stretch when I won't contact you or might not respond to your casual calls but I still love you"; where relationships are more a matter of telepathic understanding and less of frequency of meeting and talking; where people can live apart and still be married, feel married; a special chemistry, a divine understanding. 

Unfortunately, it doesn't always translate so to many. Silence is interpreted as dissipation of interest. Absence is interpreted as dissipation of commitment. Withdrawal is interpreted as dissipation of love. How will I ever prove to them that silence, absence, space and non-binding can co-exist with passion, love, care and affection? 

Perhaps I can't. Perhaps a few will intuitively understand and stay and theirs were the bonds that were meant to be. I regret my losses but  I am a prisoner of my tendencies.


Anonymous said...

... most relationships come with an expiration date. - so a blog post says.

- A disturbing thought, atleast for me.


Indumathy Sukanya said...

Woman, you are on FIRE :P

And, are you my long lost twin? Do you have the other half of the medallion? :P

Anyways. the last couple of lines are perfect...anyone who cant give you your space has no place in your space :)

Between life's doings said...

I love how beautifully you articulate this longing to be free and yet to be interconnected. I think I understand this longing and a the same time I find myself sometimes on the other side-wanting, pinning and craving for some love. I have been a "prisoner of my tendencies" too and lost many a love. But Ive also slowly started to acknowledge and provide for myself and with the few relationships I have managed to preserve and nurture. I think that's the way for folks like us. And like Indumathy said..."anyone wo cant give you your space has no place in your space" :-)

I love how beautifully you have strung your words together :-)

Sinduja said...

@V : My god, you have written a mini thesis there. You have spoken on the universal nature of relationships. A very depth filled concept indeed. Yet, my focus is on the relationship between me and 'relationships' you know - I can't really nurture them constantly. I seem to be too caught up in nurturing myself. Selfish yes, but I still love them. I just want to believe that it will always be there and so cut down on the time to express it and its not intentional.

@Indu: Ha ha, trust me, I was in half an instinct to start searching for that medallion at times when I read your blog.

Anyone who can't give me my space has no space - yeah, like there is another option. But they were wonderful people you know; ones who really did their best. Sad, my nature.

@Aarathi: Thank you Aarathi. I thnik the best of writing comes with the worst of pain. Had to call a friend yesterday and tell him I cannot call everyday because I find it more a ritual and less an expression. It was a gamble. The risk of the other one misunderstanding and cutting down on their love is too high. Yet, I had to take the risk. At the end, I guess who is meant to stay will stay anyway.

R-A-J said...

Hey Sinduja, wow, an extremely interesting conversation going on here... state of affairs in my life rite now actually :)

For whatever its worth, I think I too belong to that set that equate silence to total lack of interest.

I was seeing this lady lately n till a month back, we couldn't wait to talk to each other n hd those long calls which would end at dawn etc etc.. but now, she's perpetually busy with work n we hvnt even met or talked fr the last three weeks... n her heart-breakingly ready excuse is tht she's always busy with work on the weekdays or too lazy to meet on the weekends.. till last week, I was actually worried bout it all n was always tryin to "fix" it; but seriously, there is a limit to it all..n then, I just let it be n tht didn't help either..

Dunno what really happened n till last week, I was worried for it...this week, think I'm mentally out of it.. next week, I've decided to start hvn long calls till dawn with someone else.

I do see ur point; but me not sure if it works.. but ur post here just prompted me to consider givin her a call today...nt tht I'm too hopeful bout it though... :)

Nevertheless, a very lovely read, Sinduja.. really connected with me... :)

Priya Gopinath said...

THough we meet milliion people in our journey..only a few who accepts us unconditonaly will be with us even though we ignore them!!

Finally got this "great thathuvam" thru self analysis!!

Keep going but dont forget to look for people who smile at you from a distance by giving u the space and time

Sinduja said...

@Raj: You know what, in a way silence IS lack of interest. However, rather than thinking of it as decrease in the interest they had in you, why not see it as something else that suddenly took up more interest? That was my case anyway.

However it would be premature to generalize it to yours. End of the day, what works best for you - for your peace of mind - is what is right.

@Priya: :) Nice to see a string of great thathuvams coming from you these days! End of the day, yes, forgetting those who smiled from a distance could be the worst thing one could ever do.

Vicky Dada (Vikas) said...

What fabulous language. Such nice and perfect packing of thoughts in to a parcel of words. The last time I saw such perfect packing was.. when I received a parcel from Flipkart! :)

ok. no kidding. How I found your blog, I dunno, but I will follow you and read your pristine expressions. Please don't mind. (and also please excuse my regardless and baseless comments once in a while).

NOW - regarding this post - I just want to say that Love is so shortcoming in our world because all those are just qualified shades of the wholesome thing that we try to denote with the word LOVE. I think it touches its closest meaning only in our divine love of God. The way how Meera Bai loved Lord Krishna could be one such love that we are really aspiring for. Maybe it would come if we saw those divine qualities in each other.. maybe that line 'Tujh main rabh dikhta hai' is not that stupid after all!

Sinduja said...

Vicky.. it is such a pleasure to have you here! Your blog 'Know Thyself' has been one of my best finds in a long time. Every post required such careful study and thought.

So glad you liked the post.

Unconditional love - an Utopian ideal considering the current state of affairs. What more, it remains extremely difficult to distinguish between the mortal love and real LOVE. Mortal love can perhaps be defined as one in which we fulfil some needs of ours through the bond.

Was Meera Bai's the real LOVE? I don't know. Maybe she really looked up to Krishna for a lot of his traits. Of course, I am severely under qualified to comment on that. But, once we are overtaken by the force of this real thing, we would love everyone, the world, the plants and ourselves.

Vicky Dada (Vikas) said...

Sinduja - I am glad you liked my blog. I am a student of Philosophy and trying to shape up thoughts of what I learn in the classes in a professional manner. I use the blog for such attempts. I will be happy if you can leave comments on the article itself. It will help me improve.

BTW, though I commented earlier on love matter, I am really a total misfit in those matters. I have had more breakdowns that I have started doubting if I am really a human or just an animal.

Sinduja said...

@Vikas: Your blog is def on my agenda. An 'agenda' because it requires such deep and patient thought and I need to make sure I spend some time on it to do justice to your thoughts. :)

As for the latter part of your comment, well, as a student of philosophy, you should know better - that there is nothing that is a misfit in the world. Else it wouldn't be here in the first place. What you consider a misfit trait might turn out to be the biggest gift the world could get from you soon.

Vicky Dada (Vikas) said...

Modern Philosophy says nothing is a misfit, but Linguisitic philosophy goes a step further and asks, is 'Misfit' really a negative word at all? As I see it, 'fitting' into something, like typically a mould, could be seen in the sense of limitation, an injustice to the freedom that is delivered unto us. So, Misfit could really mean 'being free' in a retrospective sense.

I consider myself blessed to have such broad minded readers. In fact, I become a reader in turn as when I write my new posts I may be delving into how it would be processed into the wise minds that will be beholding it. I certainly found a great reader in you, and I am thankful. Trust me, it is really encouraging to have you around. I hope the light of your thoughts brightens up lives of people around you..