Sometimes I am grasped by a lot of pain - guess its my way of realizing that I have and will always be a misfit to the normal ways of human functioning.
It is my way of realizing that forming relationships and more so, sustaining them with the same tempo will always be an Utopian challenge for me.
It is my way of realizing that few people will ever see love the way I do or even be tolerant of it. I stand alone in a world of wonderful people - people who loved, trusted, believed and depended on me. I have betrayed them, cheated them and more so in the process, betrayed and cheated myself and my needs for affiliation.
Knowing that your action will make you lose someone who gives unconditional love to you and yet, doing it because you have no choice otherwise is real suicide - the real loss of a gift called life.
The culprit? An extreme compulsive need for space.
I hope there comes about a world where human beings can innately and accurately understand love that transcends time, space and expression; where I can tell someone "Listen there might be days at a stretch when I won't contact you or might not respond to your casual calls but I still love you"; where relationships are more a matter of telepathic understanding and less of frequency of meeting and talking; where people can live apart and still be married, feel married; a special chemistry, a divine understanding.
Unfortunately, it doesn't always translate so to many. Silence is interpreted as dissipation of interest. Absence is interpreted as dissipation of commitment. Withdrawal is interpreted as dissipation of love. How will I ever prove to them that silence, absence, space and non-binding can co-exist with passion, love, care and affection?
Perhaps I can't. Perhaps a few will intuitively understand and stay and theirs were the bonds that were meant to be. I regret my losses but I am a prisoner of my tendencies.