Of late, I am never satisfied.
I am beginning to get gripped by the fear that I am going to be on a perennial search all my life - a search without knowing its object or end.
I keep thinking of different careers that I could be involved in and live through them in my mind - yet, the exercises always have me coming out knowing that this career is not going to be the magic panacea where I am going to feel complete. On some days, it feels like I need to have many careers at once to feel complete. On others, it feels like nothing will ever achieve that objective at all.
I read Leo Tolstoy's "How much land does a man need?". A devil plots to ruin a man's mind and gets him in possession of some land. This only gets him embarked on a journey of greed, desire and dissatisfaction as he only keep wanting more and more land with each victory. The last few lines of the story hit you hard:
His servant picked up the spade and dug a grave long enough for Pahom to lie in, and buried him in it. Six feet from head to his heels was all he needed.
I wonder if not long ago, the devil plotted a similar conspiracy on me. I keep conceiving of new things to do and feel that the accomplishment will make me feel elated and farther in the journey. Yet, with each new addition to the basket, I am only setting in action further commitments, demands and sleepless nights - long term projects that require sustained efforts; a parasite that only needs more and more food and eats on thoughts without productive nourishment.
And I wonder if this increasing expansion of my to-do lists is really helping at all. The more I start, the more there is to finish and the more time each needs to be finished, the farther I need to schedule life. Looking ahead, I see multiple dust filled roads in the vast sunny desert, each competing for attention and with their destination nowhere in sight. Slowly, I start to wonder why I had charted them in the first place. What if there is no destination at all and these stretch to endless miles, with intermittent mirages...mirages that urge me to believe in the devil further?
I feel like I need to go on a great Master cleanse and purge the system of all the opened charts - simplify - clean the clutter - detox and seek the destination within - one that does not need a road of projects or accomplishments that will get the world to notice me - only a mind of goodness.