Thursday, March 15, 2012

Learning to travel without a map (Part I)

(Disclaimer:
1. The term God, that is used generously in many posts, does not really mean 'God' - as in, you know, a spear wielding, thinking, speaking, walking, breathing, helping. eye-poking person or deity.  It is an abstraction for me - maybe I am simply referring to a set of scientific/spiritual laws. Maybe I am simply referring to nothingness.

2. I am not as drab, dull , disturbed, depressed or distorted in person as I seem in the blog. Just saying. )


Finally managed to stay away from writing for a long time - and effortlessly. It felt good -  not so much because I didn't write but because there wasn't any pressure about not writing. For once, it seemed that the blog wasn't a self-authorized power wielding entity of its own which controlled me. And that is great, because when little lifeless things begin to take a life of their own, for me, it is about adding extra strokes to an already crowded picture. 

Creativity is a form of energy - an energy drawn from perhaps a larger storehouse of energy. Sometimes, it is not really a choice to be or not be overtaken by it. I wish I were a super-genius physicist and could churn out mathematical equations of thermodynamics to equate mental states with physical and cosmic energies but guess what, I wasn't born to be the next Einstein. But I will tell you one thing - babies don't come for nothing. The world always needs to fill some gap with our existence and looks like I was here to fit the hole of adding another OCD to it. More on it later in the post.

So yes, it was a much needed break. Did you know that there is a connection between depression and the right brain? No, I am not just making it up – it actually read it from a credible source. Maybe God thought, "Okay, so here are these bunch of  crazy boring stupid buggers who seem insensitive to almost anything that requires true sensibility. How in infinity are they going to churn out inspiring works of art?" 

So, zip zap zoom! he connects the gloom wire A with 'bright spark' wire B and lo, suddenly everywhere people are writing more, composing more and sketching more; because now, every time we felt miserable or restless, we were turning to recreation (perhaps procreation too?), to expression.

Talking about the brain - yes, 'The Brain for Dummies' lesson 101 - it is very stubborn. Trust me, it is. Me a believer in pre-determinism ( you know, the kick ass theory that everything that is to happen has already been scripted) and all that (don't ask me why. I can't appear too wise in a single post),  I was convinced that somewhere within those mind boggling neural networks was the script – script for this life of mine – what I would be, whom I would meet and when I would change and so on and all I had top to do was try beyond a threshold to get the answers.

Sounds pretty good in certain ways - A flesh and blood genie to guide me all the time; A ready bank of knowledge you can draw from whenever you want; a no-blunder smooth life. Unfortunately for me, it does not always work like that. Realizing my malicious but nevertheless intelligent plot, the brain braced itself into defense and bolted its reservoirs tightly from all sides. It's argument - it can't be tricked by exhaustion to make things that easy. It's world - it's rules. It gives out its information only when it ought to. 

And so while I tried really hard over and over again to choke an answer out of the brain as to what is it that I really wanted to do out of life, the answer staunchly eluded me. Without this answer, I would be going through a host of other insignificant things before landing on the big one. Wouldn’t it be great if I could just give them all a pass and directly settle for the big one? It is akin to the young lad on the thresholds of his teens asking the whereabouts of the woman that he would finally marry – so that he could give all the other transient pocket burners a skip and directly go find this one and woo her.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Grinning from ear to ear while reading this.

You are alive - Yaaay.

-V

Tangled up in blue... said...

You know whenever I think I've made a bad decision or a wrong choice, I always tell myself "Einmal ist keinmal" and feel better about it. I couldn't have changed it for the world.

It's either that or the opposite. Imagine a 'parallel universe you' who's made a different decision.

So that way, I don't have to rack my brains too much.

I have a friend who says she doesn't have any grand plans about Life with a capital L but she always tries to be happy in as many moments as she can in a day.

I tell her that it's difficult for me to focus on the happy moments because the grand plan eludes me still.

For some people, it's a lot easier to live without answers - they just go through the motions. It's the thinking about it that does us in. :D

I'm glad you're back and no long yoked to the blog either. :)

Arumugam said...

On the same boat here:-) Relinquishing the need to know is incredibly tough.Eckhart tolle says that an enlightened being is one who is completely comfortable with uncertainty.The Advaita also talks about how the 'doer ship' concept clouds and disrupts our peace.We take ourselves,what we do or what we don't do too seriously for our own good


Karishma,Einmal ist keinmal!:)
Found a very comforting post

http://www.lorenwebster.net/In_a_Dark_Time/2002/05/17/the-impossibility-of-knowing-truth/

Just reading it makes me feel lighter:-)

Anonymous said...

@Sindu
I wish I were a super-genius physicist and could churn out mathematical equations of thermodynamics to equate mental states with physical and cosmic energies ...

Reality is what each the world to be,
- a physicist sees the world through the spectacles of scientific principles
- the philosopher looks at life through his / her own process
- similarly you are free to see and describe the world and life in the way you choose to; you don't have to be a physicist to describe the world.

All said and done, the way this post was written - rocks.

@Arumugam
We take ourselves,what we do or what we don't do too seriously for our own good.
Where are your lotus feet? Accept me as your Shishya. BTW you've given a link to a nice post.

-V

Anonymous said...

Argh
Reality is what each *perceives* the world to be,

PS: I know it sucks to see a comment that is just a correction to the previous comment. Z:|

Anonymous said...

To compensate for the non-comment above let me share some nuggets I relished while reading -

... the brain braced itself into defense and bolted its reservoirs tightly from all sides.

... to choke an answer out of the brain ...

Sinduja said...

@V: Kind, aren't you?

Yeah, we are all free to choose to believe in anything we want. However, there must be one truth right? I think that truth will definitely confirm with Science. It might, interestingly also confirm to religion. Wouldn't it be great to know that truth?

You have become kinder than I last knew you. Correction, last 'perceived' you to be! :)

Sinduja said...

@Tangled up in blue: Really a patient soul, aren't you? A wonderful comment for this post? I couldn't read through it completely myself the second time. Thanks!

I wish I could be bestowed with your power of acceptance. But 'Einmal est Keimal' - wow, I like the way it sounds. I think I will say it myself to lighten up. It should help.

As for the ones who live the moment without any care all the time, I don't know; I somehow think they grossly over-estimate our duration of stay here.

Thanks again for the comment, K!

Sinduja said...

@Arumugam: Glad to know I am not enlightened yet. Would have felt seriously old otherwise! :D

Thanks for the link. It is lovely!

Tangled up in blue... said...

Oh come on! I'm a med student! I can read through ANYTHING! :D But on a serious note, the somewhat chaotic nature reflected your thought process really well, I think. It's a comfort to know folks like you are out there in the world. It makes me feel less lonely you know. :)

And I added you on facebook! :) I hope you're the same person I added though. Otherwise, it'd be pretty embarrassing! :D

And Arumugam, thank you for the link. Off to read it now! :)

Dobby Severus Salazar said...

I'm astounded by your intelligence. But then how do you keep yourself sane with this high degree of intelligence and thought process. To top it all, you also have the ability to express the thought process as it is. ;-) not to flatter or undermine you.... just kidding... liked the post very much.... perhaps if I read all of your posts, I may attain higher spiritual energy. But then I'm scared too :-)

Sinduja said...

Ah..yeah, I hope you were kidding - through the whole comment! :)
Thanks for writing in and no, don't read all the posts. In fact, do share some light-hearted 'masala' blogs here if you know of any! :)