Thursday, March 15, 2012

Learning to travel without a map (Part II)

(As is obvious, this is a part II. You simply need to scroll down this page for three seconds to get to  part I. I recommend it.)

But no, that simply cannot be the way things happen, I hear. Smartass lad wants to avoid wasting his energy on insignificant short timers which would eventually end with some heart ache anyway but smarter-ass God thinks that it is not fair that he reaps the gold without getting his hands dirty (no pun intended) – and of course pick some pretty valuable lessons on the way.

These are lessons that perhaps he does need in his head to sustain the final one or maybe to enjoy it better or simply, to appreciate it better. Yet, it indeed does take a lot of patience and maturity to actually get this point – especially during those times when the answers you are looking for almost seem to be there, right at the tip of your mind but somehow don't get further.

So I am going to try to muster some patience and maturity and really stop racking that poor brain of mine to give me answers. Perhaps I am not meant to have the answers at this point of time. As a rule of the thumb, if you do not get the answer after several months of pondering, then it is not time for an answer. Wait, on second thought, I think it is more a rule of common sense. Isn't it?

So, I am out to follow the crumbs – one by one. It doesn’t matter if I am right now not in possession of the knowledge of where the last crumb lies. All that matters is I know where the next crumb is when the time comes and have the courage to get there – and yes, enjoy the place it has taken me to. The journey is great as long as you know that you are on the move.

In a way, it might be an understatement of the extreme form to say that overnight, I could stop thinking of the calling and all that. Hell, who was I kidding? It has been running in the head recurrently for almost every waking minute for the last seven years – a compulsive obsession, a thought parasite. I see a cobbler, I would immediately wonder what was it that took to be a cobbler and if I had it in me to work with tools. I go to a bank and I start wondering if I would fit in the environment. Sinduja, the banker? Sinduja, the astronaut? Sinduja, the vegetable seller? 

Imagine a non-stop animation movie in the head where you are constantly shifting clothes from one profession to another.Writing about it now, I am convinced I have had OCD. 

Maybe after a point, your over-shoot your capacity of analysis and the power of instinct comes down. Instinct; intuition, whatever you call it is a vague strong feeling you get when pursuing a line of thought – if positive, you feel great about it. If negative, you know that you are not doing the right thing. But when you are constantly playing permutations of choices in that little mind, far too many feelings - doubt, frustration, exhaustion - jam up to be able to sort intuition from them. 

Indeed, it feels powerful to be in control or have control over life. By nature, we have all been designed to save energy on unnecessary choices – stereotypes developed to be an easy heuristic device, attraction developed to spot a healthy mate for procreation but sometimes, I guess energy was meant to be dissipated at certain things – like going through the less significant chores before we hit the nail on the right one – so that we grow, develop, and change as a person; so that, we learn to accept drab as a part of life.

I am going to stop thinking and re-thinking about choices for a while and let the intuition develop; Be open enough to let my guard down for a while and let things take their own course; Enjoy the nothings though I know they are not for me, accept stagnation as a part of growth and most importantly get powerful by letting go of the need to have power.

I am going to learn to travel without a map.


Tangled up in blue... said...

Good luck to you, Sinduja. All I wish is for you to find contentment on your journey. Some of us are just predestined to take the scenic route in life. :)

Anonymous said...

No choice is a wrong choice, or, every choice is the right choice - so one might as well travel without a map.

PS: Just as I said in the earlier post - your writing is 'Wow'.

- ...follow the crumbs - one by one.

- thought parasite...

harishsram said...

as i drifted away from my own thoughts while reading this piece, i see a different pattern in how events are being unveiled here. It isn't OCD when your mind picturises you in different attires akin to different professions. It is OCD when your mind wants to analyse stuffs around with you as a case study. Its OCD that your mind shells you out of its system. Hence your calling (& by calling i mean glorified OCD - which gives meaning & status to your life) is studying & analysing life rarely taking part in it.

P.S. - i hope i didn't come off as a rude up there.