Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Dawn


After a while, you quit trying to live life in the manner it ought to be lived. 

You understand that it is better to live life in that manner which poses the least effort and pain. Because after a while you get tired of trying; you get tired of fighting. And all you want to do is to go hide under that huge embracing warm blanket and pretend that the little dark perceivable space under it IS all there is to see; that is the world; that is the reality.

No one is ever going to really be able to define reality. So why not define it our own way? The mad man in the asylum is not to be pitied. He is one of those few who have really adapted the best among us. 

The ones to really be pitied are a few among us who perhaps keep searching for what might never be and keep trying for what is never ours to see; The ones to really be pitied are maybe a few like me.

How hard is it to change? Change is that inevitable road you take when all the other path that diverge are those where you have already been; been and come back since you realized late that they were taking you in circles - and bringing you back to the same point that you wanted to run away from in the first place.

***

I think I am finally discovering my cure. 

Suddenly, it seems like what is really around is so much more joyous and comforting. My immediate surroundings - the acres and acres of coconut trees around my college, the design lover brother/friend sitting right next to me, the humorous exchange of banter at the back of the class, the impending research viva, the job next month, phone calls to family, outings to the local Dhaba - what I considered as mundane everyday life would have kept me occupied and happy and content for a lifetime. There might not have been anything profound about it but there would also not have been inexplicable hair-tearing depressive about it. 

I feel like the young man who got misled and trapped in the promises of lust, coming back wiser to his loving family; welcomed by the open arms of affections of his parents - wondering why he had been blind to this great wealth of happiness all along. Suddenly it seems so foolish - there were right there all the time and yet, it took so long to realize what was right at reach. 

I think I have had enough of looking forward to abstractions - people, places, events and time that I cannot  see, hear, touch, be in or control. The promise of glorious moments and world-changing ideas - they just happen when you are busy doing what you do everyday. Even if they don't, it doesn't matter because you are busy doing what you do everyday. 

I will make an earnest attempt to get back to living - to the demands of the bills, kitchen, class, job, public transport, evening walks and what not; to the people who really ARE there you know; right there - the auto man in front of my house, the maid who comes every day, the grand mother, the friend next door, the boss, the colleague, the bus driver, the child walking in front of me. Wow, the world indeed is beautiful.  Let the only things I look forward to be those that await me in the next six hours. 

I really think I have discovered my cure and suddenly I am filled by  joy of unthinkable measures. Man, I feel happy you know. Happy...truly... after a long time; like the death penalty fugitive who has suddenly been pardoned or the chronically ill man who wakes up one day to find himself well. 

I have defined my reality!Good bye, abstraction. :)

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

விடியல்!

Awakening, revelation, epiphany, or Eureka! :)

Now you know what it feels like to make a discovery.

-V

Vicky Dada (Vikas) said...

"Let the only things I look forward to be those that await me in the next six hours"

Technically speaking Sinduja, in this model, you need to re-evaluate your goals every hour isn't it? :P

Sinduja said...

@V: Yeah... I did. Ummm..like for two mins :/

@Vicky: Ha ha :D. Actually no, I will just have a couple of things more on my mind every hour. So, say at 6 in the morn, all I concentrate on are what I will need to do till twelve. At 7, till one. There need not be any re-evaluation. Just some additions.

No?

Okay, you got what I meant right? Thats it!! Khalaas.Matter over :P

Anonymous said...

A link for you Sindu: On Dolce Far Niente.

-V

Vicky Dada (Vikas) said...

Matter over. If you say so:)

Sinduja said...

@V: V, I get Judy's posts in my inbox the day they are published. But thank you, 'link master'! :D

@Vicky: God bless you. Oh wait, that must be an atheist I am speaking to! :)

C.V.Varun said...

Whenever you say, you are depressed when thinking about the future, the first thing people say is everything will be alright, but after that the very next thing 'take one day at a time.' But how many of us go forward and do it? Maybe this is an abstraction of its kind too, atleast in my case I have tried and failed multiple times, maybe its just me being pessimistic as usual, or maybe it isn't simple to just live in the present and not easy to avoid looking not too forward to things in the future. Somehow one day or another it all comes back. I hope you can fight it better. Because, if the secret to being happier/ more content is this easy/less challenging, the world would have a smiley painted on it. But anyways, let me not get pessimistic when you start trying :)Good luck!

CHIBI said...

I am not sure how this is related to your post, but i thought, i'd share it.
i recently heard this beautiful quote from Morgan freeman in an upcoming movie 'the beauty of belle isle'.. he says

"most of the times, the real life does not measure up to what's in our heads, but every now and then, it comes very close."

Sinduja said...

@CV Varun: It is always a delightful surprise to see your comment here Varun! :)

I agree. It is easier said than done. The mind is the hardest thing to control and we all know that too well. I think it is quite foolish to think that after having continuously been future oriented for twenty odd years, it would be easy for me to wake up one morning and just be in the present. However, with each passing episode of realization, the control gets better. It is not that my mind has become adept at entertaining nil thoughts of an abstract future. It is just that I am becoming increasingly adept at detaching myself from such train of thoughts! :)

Sinduja said...

@Chibi: That is a beautiful quote Chibi and I think I am going to carry it with me in my head for the entire day today. :)

Every now and then, it comes real close and many times, it even surpasses what was there in the head!

Tangled up in blue... said...

You know if I had to pick the greatest book in the world, for me - it would be Of Human Bondage by W. Somerset Maugham. If you haven't read it, it starts with a boy who is so much like me that I always think of him as an alter-ego. This boy has such great ambition for himself - but he views these ambitions through the prism of what society perceives as success and later as rebellion. His uncle sends him off to medical school to become a doctor - a good middle class professional but he leaves half-way to try to become an artist in Paris - where he realises that he'll never be a great artist and he squanders his money away. He returns to London and falls in love with the wrong woman - he dreams of escaping to Spain and travelling the world after earning some money.

Towards the end of the book after the love of his life leaves him, he meets a simple shopgirl, decides that this ordinary love gives him more pleasure than the passionate one did. He goes off to a small village near the sea, practices as a country doctor and has children. He realises that this simple life is more beautiful than anything that the larger world could have offered him.

Some people interpret this as a giving up, a shrinking from possibilities. But I always believed that this wasn't really giving up at all - this was what fighting on was. To accept that you create your own fate and that just because there are people who live in a small village doesn't mean their destinies are any lesser than those living in the great cities of the world.

Philip also saw what you do now - that it is more important to live fully in the present than to yearn for an indeterminate future that may never come.

This is a great post to come from you, Sinduja. It makes me want to revaluate quite a few things for myself.

Sinduja said...

@K: You really read a lot, don't you? Amazing! You will be a wonderful person in the specialization that you have chosen! :)

Yes. I can so relate to Philip's story. Only, my fear is if I will want to go through it all like Philip before finally learning to embrace a lesson which is easier said than done. Hmmm. But that, I guess, is okay. I do envy straight line graphs that go up but circles are not bad. They bring a lot of wisdom.

Thank you for taking the effort to type the plot, K! :)

Tangled up in blue... said...

Yes, I'll admit it. I do read rather a lot! :D I taught myself speed-reading as a child I think. But trust me, this is one of the books closest to my heart. I can talk endlessly about it. It's like reading about your own life in your own voice. I respect Maugham a great deal. His The Summing Up is the closest I'll ever come to having a role-model book.

And I understand what you mean. Perhaps, it is necessary to choose one's own path in life. If Philip was told he'd end up where he did, he would have looked upon his fate with scorn as a young man. But having lived through what he did, he had the grace to make that choice without regrets.

R-A-J said...

You know Sinduja, I simply admire the way you can put a word to every emotion and thought tht u have... the clarity of thought and articulation that u hv is simply, simply remarkable...n considering that almost every third guy on ur blog has proposed marriage to you in ur comments section, I'm not gonna indulge u.. but you think!!?? :D

Glad u found ur cure, ur living n ur reality - as fr me, I still live in the moment, that is result of the blunders I've done in the last 6 hours, hopelessly worryin bout what I'm gonna do bout 'em in the next 6.. :D

Cheerios Sinduja.. wishin u a fabulous weekend :)

Susan Deborah said...

Came over intrigued by your comments at Karishma's. And, yes, you're another blogger I would definitely like to connect to.

The post is exactly what has been going on in my mind for some time now. Like Philip, one has to make a journey to know the real picture and then come to terms or rather find joy in the simple things of life. But how does one begin the journey? Do I have the strength like Philip to actually make that journey. Even before the journey begins, I have my doubts and anxieties. I wonder where my reality lies.

Thanks for this post. You have put some things in perspective.

Joy always,
Susan

Sinduja said...

@RAJ: Clarity of thought and articulation? :D Really, Raj? Tell me, didn't you think after coming here "God, why is this place so serious and reeking of deep stuff? She needs to chill!"

I follow your posts. And I have read your comments on many others. Great sense of humor you've got. And then I would always wonder what writers like you would think coming here! Lol. But guess you are kind.

Every third guy? Have you done MBA? You should consider one soon if you haven't. Because diplomacy and flattery is a brilliant combination! :) And I think many girls would already be eyeing a man who has it. So let me first evaluate my competition and decide!

Sinduja said...

@Susan: Susan, you have really made my day. I have been like having this smile on my face since I saw your comment about half an hour ago. Thank you, really, for that!

"Do I have the strength like Philip to actually make that journey." Susan, I have always believed that when we are finally ready, we will plunge into the journey. We just cannot stop ourselves. We might still have our doubts but there will this restlessness in us that would have crossed its threshold and will strongly push us to take the first step. So if you are still having some hesitation, then maybe you are not ready yet. Perhaps we just need to be aware. Just my belief :) or maybe it is an excuse to stay longer in the comfort zone.

I am curious now to read your blog. So, when you receive some comments there, please do not think it is a reciprocal obligation. I promise to be sincere! :) Tc!

ganeshputtu said...

hi, i happened to chance over your blog when Susan Deborah shared it on her Google+ feed....My first thoughts on reading this post was "you Poor, Poor girl"...now dont get all hot under the collar and assume i am belittling you or making fun.. i really feel for you dearie, i know that you have decided to find happiness in your own circle, circumscribed yourself so to say and i wouldnt say its wrong, but it would be wrong if it continued for the rest of your life. Life is tough, life sucks, simply getting out of bed and going out to live everyday takes a heck of a lot of courage, but remember life is also beautiful, life does surprise us when we least expect it. confining yourself leads to a negation of the possibilty of any wonders happening to you. fight this tendency to limit yourself, go out there if even if you get hit everyday/twice a day...you never know when your turn to hit back will come. life, Sindhu (hope i can call you that) is too short, we dont always have the tiem to do everything we want or live the life we want...so lets not restrict it ourselves....let lose and have fun

Anonymous said...

I came across this and later went on to see this.

-V
PS: Aim of pointing these posts is purely to share.

Sinduja said...

@ganeshputtu: Sorry for the late reply Ganesh. And welcome to the blog! :) Find happiness in my own circle - hmmm. Is that what I meant? I think I meant more on the lines of - 'I have a circle right now - with its own obligations, demands and joys. Let me heed to these first instead of daydreaming on how to expand the circle or go to another fantasy-perfect circle.

Life is indeed beautiful Ganesh and that is exactly what I meant too. I was closing my eyes to all the beauty around under the desire to dream in the sleep. Like a famous quote goes, "I failed to see the flowers near my feet in the quest to reach the moon in the sky" (Don't remember the exact line or author).

In the end, I think we are meaning the same thing! :) I do hope to let loose and have fun. Thank you so much for writing in Ganesh!

Sinduja said...

@V: Hmmm. Couldn't connect much with it. Thanks for sharing though V. And yes, I always look forward to your links. Tc! :)

ganeshputtu said...

So how is the Cure going? any insights to share yet?

Sinduja said...

@Ganesh: Yes! Yes! But for that, you need to read my latest post. I seriously feel there will be a strong connection. :)