I should have known it coming. I do not understand how I could have been so careless. I risked it and now I stand a victim of the trauma.
Why do we watch movies? Different people might give different reasons. A single person might have many reasons. For some, it is a form of escapism. For some, it is the pure entertainment from the art of story-telling. For some, it is an art - where elements of lighting, edits, colors and angles ought to blend in perfect symmetry to create an impact and share a message and the creation of the symmetry is what they study and enjoy. It is a scientific study of aesthetics for them.
Why do I watch a movie? I don't know - I think for me, it is bringing closer a world and characters that it is impossible for me to personally travel and experience. I love to know why people do what they do, how characters react in difficult situations, practices in different cultures and so on. I could of course read about it. Yet what might equal the visual phenomenon. And how many people am I going to get to know in my life? How many places will I travel to? How many strata of the society am I going to personally observe by being a part of?
In the light of these questions, movies come to fill a huge void in me. And this is where I have a huge problem because I don't want to visit the life of a man whose wife gets brutally murdered at the end. I don't want to spend two hours being a part of the love story which only gets unnecessarily shattered finally. These are not merely fictitious stories for me. They were the people and places and lives that I became a part of for two to three hours.
As a rule, I don't watch what you call the 'sad-ending' films. My friends know that. My movie buff brother and film supplier knows that. It is an understanding between us that he is not to give me any movie where the protagonist or his/her love interest or wife/husband die at the end. Why should the we want 'sad'?
He thinks I am being childish. I don't know. Maybe yes, I am stupid and yes, I will definitely never make a good film critic nor will I even dare to call myself a film buff. Because it doesn't matter if the movie makes it to top 5 or 50. If it doesn't end on a good note, I am not going to watch it.
"It is just a movie, come on!", friends tease.
Of course I know it is a movie. I then try watching the actor who died in the movie on other portals to perhaps cajole myself to see the stupidity of it all - 'Hey, this fellow is still alive Sinduja!, come on!'. But I think the approach is stupid.
It is not Gwyneth Patrow of se7en (she is butchered by a psychopath and her head is delivered as a parcel to her husband) herself as a person that I am mourning for. It was her character - a character that the maker made me feel love for; a character who life and dreams the maker let me peep into; a character that ceased to make the boundaries of the screen real.
"But the character never existed in real. None of it happened!", they say.
If we are not allowed to connect to created characters, then what really is the purpose of art at all? We would all cease to appreciate movies and novels if we were painfully aware of the deception of it all and strongly held ourselves back from dissolving into the ocean of another's mind's creation.
The truth is most of them are able to exercise control. I am not saying they do not feel the intensity of emotion. They can let go for a while and feel them but perhaps they can all collect themselves back together again. They can wander into imagination for a while and they can get back to life again/. Perhaps people like me lack that knack; that direction. we get lost and then we simply get lost. We can never find a way back. Their attachment is only a temporary loosening of the core detachment while it is the other way round for us.
While a few can hold the strings for a while carefully and then let it go, others blunder by getting intertwined with them.